BEFORE YOU SLIT YOUR WRIST PLEASE READ THIS!!

So here I am surfing the Internet for current stories with teenagers for inspiration for my blog post like I always do and these are the top topics:

1.     Unconscious

2.     Inches from death

3.     Suicide and media

4.     The antibiotic epidemic

5.     Invisible

Personally I thought I would get a lot of stories about boys but sadly I was disappointed. Therefore I dedicate these 8 best jokes from the internet to everyone who is writing or feeling like writing something like this.

·        Did anyone ever notice that "STUDYING" is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?

·        Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Student: A teacher!

·        Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.

·        How can you tell if a man is lying? You can see his lips moving.

·        Kanye West compared himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney and Steve Jobs. Apparently none of them could sing, either.

·        Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic. Alex was crying very loudly. Johnny: Why are you crying? Alex: I came here for a blood test. Johnny: So? Are you afraid? Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger. After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now? Johnny: I came for a urine test!

·        Death: It's your time. Give me your hand Blonde: No! I know that if I don’t touch you then I'll never die! Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're sooo smart! High five! Blonde: *high fives* Death: Typical blonde.

·        I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.                                                                                          

Well I hope that your sense of humour is as easy as mine at 05:32 am in the morning.

PS. Before you slit your wrist read this

HE GIVES US STRENGTH AND HOPE AS WE GO TO BED!!!

It is amazing how a country can have care and love for a man that most have never met and that’s how you know that they have made a difference. For every time that Nelson Mandela gets critical the country continue to keep its hope. Hoping that he will stand up for his wheel chair and do the Madiba dance one last time. Others believe that one need to prepare for the worst but this seems like an option which doesn’t seem like one any South African want to take. This is a prayer that I and many citizens are saying for our former president.

Dear Lord of Mercy and Father of Comfort,

You are the One I turn to for help in moments of weakness and times of need. I ask you to be with your servant in this illness. Psalm 107:20 says that you send out your Word and heal. So then, please send your healing Word to your servant. In the name of Jesus, drive out all infirmity and sickness from his body.

Dear Lord, I ask you to turn this weakness into strength, suffering into compassion, sorrow into joy, and pain into comfort for others. May your servant trust in your goodness and hope in your faithfulness, even in the middle of this suffering. Let him be filled with patience and joy in your presence as he waits for your healing touch.

Please restore your servant to full health, dear Father. Remove all fear and doubt from his heart by the power of your Holy Spirit, and may you, Lord, be glorified through his life.

As you heal and renew your servant, Lord, may he bless and praise you.

All of this I pray in the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.

10 WEIRD WAYS TO GET WARM WITHOUT SPOONING

I have just discovered these ten ways weird ways of keeping warm this winter.

For All You Filthy Minds That Were Starting To Chuckle These Will Not Be Excuses for You to Spoon. To make things clear the topic for this would be: Ten weird ways to get warm without spooning.

1.Instead of wearing meat like lady gaga cook it.

2.  Stock pile a lot of junk food especially coke and make obesity a goal. Ask yourself this question “do you think the half ton killer gets cold?”

3. Make a collection of cesspool rats and sew yourself a fur coat.

4. This is a very effective option. Instead of sleeping on a bed invest on a sleeping bag and fart yourself to sleep.

5. Get a load of Lil Wayne lyrics this will not keep you warm but you will be laughing at them so hard you will forget it’s cold. If you are South African watch ekasi: our stories.

6. Never shave!! I repeat never shave!!!

7. Invest in a good playlist that will make you dance all over the place.

8.  Find a science wiz and bribe them to rub your body. The excitement of friction will make them continue or just tell them that if they don’t do it you will find a way to put them in drama.

9. Stop microwaving your stinky, sweat filled hot socks (it’s disgusting) and buy a sleepaconda.

10. Finally and it won’t be body heat. The tenth way of keeping warm this winter is that while you are in that sleeping bag farting yourself to warmth ensure that you are naked.

113's LOVE GUIDE

I have to say being in a commune is probably the best thing that is happening to me right now or maybe it is just my commune. You get that same feeling that you get when you are watching food network and the next day when someone is talking about gnocchi you act as if you have eaten in before when you actually haven’t. So the current topic right now (which most of you would think is sooo typical) is LOVE (CRAZY, RETARDED, OUT OF ITS MIND, BONKERS LOVE!!!!). What I have gathered in the conversations I have had with my housemates is crazy stuff. That is why I am calling this 113’s Love Guide  

1)    Love is like Ke$ha it is hot and beautiful but it’s stupid crazy.

2)    Love would make you think you are Black when you are really and truly Caucasian.

3)    Love would make you sleep in a cesspool while you are renting a room at the Ritz or Windsor Hotel.

4)    Love would make you marry Stevo a (dumbass from jackass) or actually think The Diary of a Zulu Girl is real or actually written by a Zulu girl.

5)    Love would make you sit at home and sing about how it is 4am and your lover is probably somewhere with a dancer instead of TRACKING THE KAFFER DOWN (relax dude I’m black. A person who would over react because of this has probably not watched Trevor Noah’s That’s Racist)

6)    Love would make an 86 year old think they have a shot with a 40 year old.

7)    Love would make you get a permanent tattoo of your partner’s name (ask Angelina Jolie how that turned out)

8)    Love would make a girl get a Brazilian wax because her boyfriend asked. Really dude?

9)    Love would make you hang out with your girlfriends ex.

10)  Love would make a husband a wife get surgery to make them look alike. Take note this really happened.

11) But most of all love would make you still fall in love even after you  have read this guide. (PSSSHH DUMBASS!!!)

HAMMERED HEART

Break ups are always tragic until people start to post them online then they just become down right hilarious. This is something I found one can get a little speck of pleasure from. This is a post from a guy age range 22-25 "girlfriend broke up with me yesterday and I was fine with it till about 8 o'clock today I don't feel right not like suicidal I just feel nauseous and I have the shakes and I feel very antsy I'm not crying or anything so I'm kind of scared I don't really know what to do." Everything is good until your boyfriend decides to be a virtual cheat this is a category from 26-30 age range "i want to know why do i feel so miserable although i know its the right decision........i had a boyfriend for 6yrs and 7 months.all was good until we got Internet @ home in 2010.He started playing on line games.i broke it off end 2010.but he asked for another chance,so i gave him one.this year in April i told him that i couldn't handle the gaming anymore,he told me that i wasn't supportive,so i decided to play games with him (at least we spend some time together).it went well until he found a new game that i didn't like.he couldn't compromise that game for me and a month ago i told him that its over,he moved out today and its killing me inside because he doesn't even look sad or unhappy because he lost me..what can i do for this pain and loneliness to go away? i was always the one fighting ,crying.talking nicely and asked for quality time together.am i really that worthless?" I don't know what happened to people keeping journals, or maybe its modern technology. Apple should really invest something like a dairy in one of its ipads if they do guys please use it or these people should just get good always around bffs. To end things off one should do it with statistics 41% of people who have this experience are in their teens, 33% are in their twenties, and 7% are in their thirties. 75% of people who have this experience are women.